Author: Baek Sehee

Translator: Anton Hur

Publisher: Bloomsbury

I was not expecting this book to be quite so vivid, transparent, and honest. ‘I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki’ is part memoir and part self-help from Korean author Baek Sehee, originally written in the Korean but translated into English by Anton Hur.

It is an actual write up of the author’s sessions with her psychiatrist over a period of 12 weeks. Each section focusses on a theme with an opening reflection from the author. Whether she writes about her having depression, or her outward appearance, or the ability to form deep relationships with others, it is a very honest though fragile account.

Having been diagnosed with ‘dysthymia’ or a persistent depressive disorder, Baek talks about the challenges of being perfect in society where it is not always possible. Halfway through reading I wondered how honest the exchanges were and although I felt somewhat uncomfortable through some of the parts, I did start questioning certain elements about life in general. I did recall similar thoughts and experiences myself when making close friend and what drives us to want to please others and then I wondered how many of us have these thoughts and extreme feelings.

It was refreshing in some ways to know that people can have such sensitive thoughts and attitudes towards things; that can be sometimes difficult to talk about in everyday conversation. I regard everyday conversation to be things that touch on topics but on the surface without really exploring what is underneath. There is a desire to be perfect and constantly strive to achieve growth and maturity. However, this is not always the case.

I like how Baek opens with an epigraph from a book titled ‘Une Parfaite Journee’ by Martin Page. Translated into English ‘A Perfect Day.’ Although I am not sure it is available in an English translation. The epigraph explores both the feelings of sadness and happiness, not as two separate emotions but ones that can coexist and how we should do this.

The author concludes her transcripts with an update from the psychiatrist and summarises the chapters about various topics. In one, she speaks of modifiers. Words such as ‘young’ or ‘graduate’ and the expectations that is implied behind this and how it can be hard to live up to certain expectations.

I did find this book challenging to read at times; and I have had friends and colleagues who said they tried to give it a go but found it difficult. I would challenge yourself to read this. It gives a very honest and fragile account. It’s a very tender read. I would recommend it if you or someone you know has ever suffered from anxiety or depression, either as a way to understand more about yourself or others around you suffering. You may also end up discovering something about yourself.

*Tteokbokki is a popular snack in Korea. Made up of Sticky shaped rice cakes and eggs and fish cakes in a spicy sweetish sauce.

‘I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki’ by Baek Sehee and translated by Anton Hur, available to buy from all good book shops and online platforms. Published by Bloomsbury